Infant Loss

TOBINS TREASURE

2020 was hard. Honestly, I don't know anyone who didn't think that it wasn’t a hard year. For my sweet husband and I it was actually the worst, or so we thought, year of our entire life. We were expecting a sweet baby boy who we knew we'd call Tobin. I've always believed the Lord named him that before we even thought of that name. I was diagnosed with Placenta Previa. I wasn’t sure what that was at first but later learned, “In placenta previa, the placenta attaches low in the uterus. The placenta might partially or completely cover the opening of the uterus, called the cervix.” (Mayo Clinic)

We weren't expecting Tobin to arrive until the fall of 2020, but Tobin was born June 17th at 28 weeks at a very small hospital, which was not able to keep him stable. We trust the Lord's timing is always better than ours.We made hard decisions that day and the next morning the decisions never got easier. The following week was awful. We had a graveside service for him. At Tobins graveside service we sang "It is Well" and still to this day I can hardly sing it. No matter how much my heart hurt, the Lord kept telling me it is well. I wish I could say we had peace knowing he wasn't poked or prodded, but we didn't. I wish I could tell you that we had peace knowing he was with Jesus, but we didn't at the time. That year and the following were quite possibly the darkest days I’ve ever encountered, so many heavy emotions. I remember driving to a family Thanksgiving dreading the idea of being thankful, because other than our 18 month old daughter, what did I have to be grateful for? We almost didn't go, but the Lord held me upright the entire time.

That first Christmas without Tobin, we bought our only child way too much. I’m not sure if it was more out of grief or guilt. There were many days the Lord had to pull me off the floor and out of bed when I didn't feel like it. Something that took us a long time to make a decision about, even after his service, was his headstone. I felt like it was the last earthly thing that I, as his mommy, could do for him.  It took me a good two years and finally in the fall of 2022 it was perfectly placed.  

I remember my husband and I praying out loud that however we'd grow our family, that HIS will would be done.

There were many prayers said. I remember my husband and I praying out loud that however we'd grow our family, that HIS will would be done. We became pregnant again in the fall of 2021, and we welcomed a sweet healthy boy named Ezra. Praise the Lord, his birth was just the beginning of our redemption story. In the summer of 2023, John Moses was born, June 16th the day before Tobin's birthday. What a better way to celebrate that weekend. Although it would be so much better if we had both boys to celebrate. 

Through this process, I have questioned a lot. But here's what I do know, the Lord didn't forsake us during the time I wanted to walk away from him. He stuck by us, gave us the most incredible church family and friends that we wouldn't have found without such a loss. He has given us a better marriage, one where we can laugh again and remind each other during the holiday season it's okay not to be okay. If you are a momma walking through the pain of infant loss, no matter how far along you were, you matter. Your baby matters. Your sweet child is fearfully and wonderfully made. If you are walking through the highs and lows of infant loss, here's a few things I'm reminded of almost four years later. Grief has no timeline. The pain may get easier but there will always be a missing part of you and your family. But know, the Lord will uphold you in the hard seasons no matter what they look like. Cling tight to your Bible and dig deep into His word, if you can't muster up anything else. 

Written by: Hannah Johnson Charleston, Illinois